Iron Jawed Angst

Well, I was simply amazed at this marvelous show. It was funny, with just the right mix of “Haha, let’s replay that” and “I respect that Panda” I saw it once with my family. It was great until my mom launched into hysteric laughter.

But I have a point in all this.

Should get its own movie.

I got invited to see it again with my crush (we’ll call her Olive) Of course I said yes. I was also nervous, because I still like guys, and they were inviting some of their guy friends. So I was entirely excited. Naturally, me liking a fourteen year old, resulted in make out session at the movies. But let’s not get excited! It wasn’t with me. No, Olive had me go to the movie with her, (And my friend Sunny) and watch them both make out with boys. It was serious like gross, swallowing tongue make out too. Good times. I was unable to hold my tears. So after sitting watching the very un-funny panda for about fifteen minutes, I went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. Then I sent a text to my mom saying to come get me. Yeah, I felt super hardcore.

Because I still have yet to come out to her, I doubt this relationship is going to work… And I have no intention to come out in this small, conservative town. Oh well, maybe there will be one day where Disney shows have a Lesbian couple. Until then, this will be our little secret.

As I’ve been wandering around the internet, I’ve come across many blogs. When I saw one that caught my eye for some reason. It turned out to be the writing of a very hurtful and stubborn girl. She complained that bisexuality is just for attention. They are faking on one way. Now even if people want to fake they’re half straight, that’s their decision. But no one would make their lives harder than they have to be. My dad said, “You have a care free life, but maybe you want something else so you have something to complain about.” I would tell you the list of things wrong in my life, but I won’t bother you with those. Aside from the fact that my parents are separating. Care free, eh?

I would not make myself this way. I would not decide to be this way. But it is the way I feel, and I like it. I do not do it for attention, I do not flaunt it. I just live it. It’s not out of rebellion, it’s out of human nature. If something can make you like one gender, why can’t it make you like both? Listen, think what you’d like to think, but do not question the way I feel. Because I also do not think about being this way. It is who I am, take it or leave it.

Let’s start the post on a happier note. My Friday was going great, how about yours? Love to hear about it! I went to the mall with my cousin, Candle. We had a lot of good times. Including one very scandalous photo booth.

But as our night wound down and I’d already made previous arrangements to stay with my dad. So Candle and I parted and I got into the car with my dad. My dad and I were teasing each other as we often do and he asked me how my day was. I replied that it was long and that I think I needed a new therapist (who I’d also told of my sexuality) And that we just didn’t agree on many major things.

Bonus: When I told my therapist, she said it was my choice, I could stay this way forever or we could fix it. Oh god, what needs to be fixed? Nothing is broken

Continuing: My dad asked about what. Before you read on, you should know my dad can be quite the republican. When he asked what, I just skimmed over it with my usual, normal, teenage answer of, “meh.” He told me to tell and kept pushing the matter. So I said, “Um, about like sexuality and stuff.” He replied with a hesitant and lingering OK. “Dad, don’t freak out, but I’m bi.” Now people, I’d been expecting a little irritation, but what happened next was an answer I never could have thought of.

This was an f-bomb rampage on my recent “behavior.” He also said I knew nothing more than my care-free life. I responded with the list of things that stressed me out. And I thought later of how even before my “Iron Jawed Angst,” that my mom had been bipolar while I was in second grade. And my brother was a drug addict scattered through my childhood. After a fifteen minute rampage on how I didn’t know up from down, I started asking what he wanted me to do about it. He replied, “Grow the f*ck up!” The impact of that hurt me deeply. Later in the car as we talked it out he said he was sorry and he was just mad because I blocked him out all of the time. I said it was because I knew he would rather be kept in the closet, and I knew he’d respond like this, so I was afraid. After a night of heart-felt talks, he decided to dismiss it as a phase. Even though he said I shouldn’t label it. Says that man who calls me “emo” every day. A phase is all right with me though, better than to have him have a reason to perpetually dislike me.

Advice: Admit it to yourself first. It doesn’t matter if it’s about sexuality, or love, or a drug addiction, or even a bad grade. Admit it to yourself a thousand times before you tell another person. Each time you know you have to tell, say it in your mind, and say it aloud a few times. I was unprepared for my dad and wish I could have taken my own advice.